Navigating Toddler Emotions
Written by Dr. Taylor Palmitier, Clinical Psychologist
Welcome to the wonderful, whirlwind world of toddler emotions! As both a clinical psychologist specializing in child psychology and a parent to two spirited children, I’ve seen firsthand how these little ones can experience big feelings. Understanding and navigating these emotions is key to supporting our toddlers’ development. Let's explore the fascinating brain science behind their behavior, how they can "borrow" our calm, and strategies to help them regulate their feelings.
The Emotional Roller Coaster of Toddlerhood
Toddlers are full of raw, unfiltered emotions. One minute they’re smiley kiddos, the next they’re melting down because you handed them the wrong cup. This is entirely normal. Their brains are still developing, and they’re learning to navigate these overwhelming feelings.
The Brain Science: Upstairs and Downstairs Brain
Dr. Daniel Siegel’s "upstairs and downstairs brain" analogy offers a great way to understand this. The "downstairs brain" controls basic functions and emotional reactions. It’s like the toddler’s default mode, where all those intense feelings originate. The "upstairs brain," on the other hand, is like the CEO of the brain – responsible for logic, reasoning, and emotional regulation – but it’s still under construction during these early years. Trying to reason with my toddler in the midst of a meltdown is like trying to negotiate with a tiny tornado. It just doesn't work because her upstairs brain isn’t fully accessible yet.
The Art of Borrowing Our Calm: Why Regulation Starts with Us
When toddlers experience strong emotions, they often can’t access their upstairs brain. This is where we come in. They borrow our nervous system to help regulate their own. Research shows that when we stay calm, they are more likely to calm down too. However, if we’re stressed or upset, they’ll mirror that. Whenever your toddler starts to lose it, take deep breaths and keep your voice soft and soothing. It’s incredible how much your own state can influence theirs.
When we’re calm, we provide the stability our toddlers need to feel safe and understood. This is why that massage, workout class, or best friend date isn't just fun – it's necessary for maintaining your mental health. Your toddler's mental health depends on it!
Strategies for Calming the Downstairs Brain
First Step: Calm the Body
Trying to reason with a toddler in the middle of a meltdown is a waste of time. Our first job is to help calm their body, which in turn calms their downstairs brain and gains access to more reasoning parts of the brain.
Here are some techniques for helping your toddler calm their body:
Deep Breathing Together
Deep breathing sends signals to the brain to relax. Modeling this for your toddler can help them learn to self-soothe. When my toddler starts to get upset, I hold her close and we take deep breaths together. I say, “Let’s blow out the candles on a birthday cake,” and we pretend to blow out imaginary candles. It’s a simple, effective way to bring calm.
Physical Touch and Comfort
Physical touch like hugs, back rubs, or even rocking in your lap, can be incredibly soothing. It helps your child feel safe and connected. A big bear hug can work wonders. My toddler melts into my arms, and we sit quietly until she feels better. Sometimes, just being close is all they need. If physical touch isn't wanted, just sitting next to your toddler can provide that sense of comfort.
Create a Calm Down Space
Having a designated spot with comforting items can help your child feel secure and calm. We have a cozy corner with soft pillows, loveys, and a favorite blanket. When my toddler is overwhelmed, we go there together to read a book or just cuddle.
Use Simple Words to Validate Feelings
I can't say this enough. Acknowledging your toddler’s feelings can help them feel understood and less alone in their emotions. Say things like, “I see you’re very upset. It’s okay to feel mad.” Or, "I see you're frustrated. I'll sit here next to you until you're ready for a hug." These simple validations often help reduce the intensity of the meltdown.
Conclusion
Navigating the emotional landscape of toddlerhood can be challenging, but understanding the brain science behind their behavior helps. By staying calm and regulated ourselves, we can provide the stability our toddlers need to borrow our calm and begin to regulate their own emotions. Remember, it’s all about calming the downstairs brain first before any reasoning can happen. Embrace these moments of connection and know that you’re laying the foundation for your child’s future emotional health.
