One Size Doesn’t Fit All: The Truth About Parenting Each Child Differently
Let’s face it: no matter how hard we try, parents will never treat each child the same. Yes, I know that’s a bold statement, and as a parent, you might be feeling a mix of guilt, defensiveness, or maybe even relief. But stick with me here—because it’s not all bad.
As we grow and change, we become different versions of ourselves. Think about it—are you the same person you were three years ago? Of course not! Our brains are wired to adapt, build new connections, and evolve as life happens. So, the parent you were when your first child was born isn’t the same parent your second or third child gets.
Let me give you a peek into my life. When our firstborn arrived, we were new in our careers, strapped for cash, and terrified of messing up. We hovered over every coo and boo-boo, anxious to get everything “just right.” But she had ALL of our attention. Then our second child came along, and the scene was different. We had a spirited toddler to chase while caring for her. She was born into a busier, more chaotic environment with less one-on-one attention, but with parents who were more relaxed and confident. Thus, our experiences of each of our kids are different, and their experiences of us differ from one another.
Your kids are unique people too, with their own personalities that bring out different sides of you. Maybe your oldest is a mini-you, making it easier to relate and connect. Or maybe she’s a daydreamer, getting lost in thought or easily distracted, while you value timeliness and logic. These intricate qualities inherently shape unique interactions between each parent and each child. If you’re noticing tension with your child, it might be worth exploring your own thoughts and beliefs influencing your experience of this child. Maybe your uber-independent child triggers your anxiety or need for control, causing conflict?
It’s a common belief that all kids should be treated the same. While providing equal love, support, and resources is absolutely essential, it’s also important to consider the uniqueness of each relationship and the varying needs of each child. One child might require more structure to excel, while another might need a greater sense of autonomy to thrive. One child calms down with a hug while the other wants space. Our job isn’t to parent each child the same way but to meet them where they are and understand the dynamics that influence our relationships with them. Most importantly, we need to acknowledge the differences. 🌈
And this part is huge. It’s vital to validate any feelings of unfairness your children might have. For example, you might say, “I know it’s tough to be the oldest; sometimes you have more responsibility because you know more things,” or “I see how being the youngest can be hard! Sissy gets to do a lot of things you aren’t able to do yet.” Or even, “I know we argue the most. It doesn’t mean I love you any less; we’ll work on it.” Acknowledging differences can help your child feel seen.
The key isn’t in treating every child exactly the same but in ensuring each child feels valued for who they are. Talk about these differences openly. Validate the feelings that come with them. And remember, it’s about loving them uniquely and being willing to adapt and listen to their needs!
Facts to Consider:
Parental Adaptation: Research shows that parents adapt their parenting styles over time based on their experiences and the unique needs of each child. 📚
Unique Sibling Dynamics: Studies indicate that siblings often have different relationships with their parents, which can be influenced by birth order, personality traits, and even parental stress levels. 🌱
Emotional Development: Children benefit from being seen and valued for their individual qualities, rather than being treated identically to their siblings. 🌟
By Dr. Taylor Palmitier, Clinical Psychologist
